Writing Again...

I miss this blog. I miss writing freely - rambling and analyzing my thoughts and circumstances.

A lot has been going on the last few years that I haven't shared on here. We've moved a few different times... Nate finished schooling... we started jobs... changed jobs... tried to start a family... bought a house...

We're settled in the suburbs of Nashville, Tennessee. It's weird being in a point in life where we're feeling the desire to put some roots down. I think it stems from the annoyance that apartment life brings - and the pain of moving every summer. We're fortunate to even be in the position to be able to afford a home in this market right now. We bought an older home (back in Nov 2018) - built in the 1970's and desperate for a major facelift. Somehow I convinced Nate to let me take on the massive project.

Our journey to start our family has been the most consuming these last two+ years. We decided we were ready to stop preventing back in September 2016, but have not had any success. It's draining and extremely emotional - and I'm learning more and more how common it is - which is as equally frustrating as it is comforting, if that makes sense.

My life lately has been consumed mostly with work and the house renovation. I work from home - and to put my role simply, I usually just tell people I'm a consultant for a small marketing company. Which is not false... but it really doesn't give my job the justice it deserves. I am a consultant (which is much more of a pain because I am my own LLC and I now have to deal with all the things that come with being self-employed) - but the company I'm contracted with is a boutique insights consultancy that specializes in experience design (for companies, their customers, their employees, their digital platforms, and more). Generally speaking, my job consists of lots and lots of research - analyzing that research, and then recommending changes, design strategies, and improvements to our clients based on their initial research objectives.
It's great because it's flexible, always changing, and usually interesting. I'm really fortunate to have stumbled into it.


I'm working on a project right now for a bank client that is interested in understanding their small business customers. One of the questions I've been asking in my interviews is "how does where you are now compare to where you thought you were be?"

I turn 27 in a couple of weeks. Never did I think I'd be this close to 30 and not have a child yet. I know that motherhood shouldn't be defined by age, but I always imagined that I'd be home with kids around this time in my life. I have to force my focus to other things in order to distract myself from the fact that my plan isn't panning out the way I wanted it to for so long.
So I cram my life full of things - appointments and work and side projects + plans and classes at the gym - an entire house renovation (that is taking months!)...

In today's world standards, we would be considered highly successful.

And sometimes I would agree. Sometimes I'm able to recognize all that I've accomplished in my life up until this point. But then my mind goes in two different directions:
1. I should be capitalizing on this time more while I don't have a baby on my hip. I could be doing more, accomplishing more, traveling/designing/dreaming/working more...
2. I don't want any of this. I just want the baby. the family. the stay-at-home mommy life.

And then I get paralyzed. numb. silent.
and I just put my head down and keep moving forward.


My silence is stumping my creativity, though. So I'm back here - writing - hoping that it helps me to release some pent up frustration/confusion/energy... and really just helping me have a place to vent and share current thoughts and happenings.

I want to share more details about our house renovation - Instagram doesn't always do it justice.

I'll probably talk more about our fertility issues.
I'll clue you in to our life here in Nashville.

I just want an outlet to let my mind and words wander again.

Rewind

I feel a little stuck as an "online personality". Not that I'm trying to get famous or want to be known from my social accounts...but I like my blog. I love writing. And originally, this blog was created as an outlet for my mind/hands to spout out the thinkerings and ponderings that fill me up.

I'm stuck because I feel like the purpose of blogs and social media these days has gone from humble to haughty. Originally I was able to post anything and everything without first analyzing what others would think about it, or what would gain more clicks or pins or likes or shares...
Why does everything have to be a big competition now? Why is everyone fighting for attention?

I want to start writing again. Writing for me. Writing as a release. As an outlet.
Can we all just rewind 5 years or so? Back to before Pinterest and Instagram? Can we all stop fighting for followers? Stop analyzing our analytics? Stop trolling our traffic?

I don't want to shove my personal life in your face anymore. I don't want to broadcast my marriage and family over and over and over again in hopes of convincing you that my life is more beautifuladventurousfullhappysuccessful than yours. I just want to be able to think without over-thinking. To post without apprehension or hesitation. I want to share my inspiration and my ideas. I want to feel more creative and less competitve. Can I do that again?

The Ice Cream Aisle

It happened two years ago. Right at the peak of the mass exodus of sister missionaries from Provo, Utah... 

It seemed like every single female was getting a mission call - there were multiple opening parties every Monday and Wednesday night - foreign destinations were the topic of every lunch date - ASOS packages filled the mail trucks and littered the doorsteps of every apartment complex - FB profile pictures were updated to your mission application head shot...you remember how it was...

Well I was one of those girls. It was exactly 10 days after I had received my call to the Sweden, Stockholm mission. Kaitlin's little sister (who had also just received her mission call) was in town visiting/celebrating. She was craving Ben&Jerry's Half Baked so we made a late night trip to Smith's. 

You never really know what you're going to find at Smith's...it's right in the heart of Provo. Most often you'll walk in and see at least one person you know, or had a class with, or remember from your freshman dorm... Or a homeless person, or an NBA star, or a famous Mormon blogger, or the head of the BYU meth lab... You just never know... 

We only had one goal with this shopping trip: ice cream - Ben&Jerry's to be exact. The ice cream aisle was a straight shot back from the front entrance of the grocery store. With the few steps it took to get there, it wasn't long before I noticed there were guys blocking the freezer door to the Half Baked ice cream we were after. I didn't know either of their names, but one of them stood out. He was very handsome. And his face was very familiar to me. It took me a few seconds to realize that I had seen him before. Multiple times. Not in any sort of formal setting - just around campus here and there. I only ever admired him from afar. Every so often I remember seeing him with a person I knew, but I never took the effort into finding out more about him.

So here he was: man unknown - man in black - struggling to decide between two different brands of coffee flavored ice cream. 

(I must note here that we were only here for Kaitlin and Paige: they requested Ben&Jerry's Half Baked...but in fact, my favorite kind of ice cream is coffee flavored ice cream, so obviously I was heaven sent to help him choose which kind to get...)

To him, I was a mere stranger who really had no business interfering in his affairs. In fact, if it were anyone else, I probably wouldn't have said anything...but for some reason, he felt familiar to me, so it didn't take much courage for me to speak up and let him know that he would be truly sorry if he chose any other brand but Starbucks.

He turned around quickly, making it obvious that he didn't even notice us standing there. It was probably extremely alarming turning around to 4 girls surrounding you. He mumbled something about 'this being fate' because he had no idea which one to choose...or something like that...and he and his friend picked up their small cartons and walked towards the check-out lines.

I didn't think a single thing of it after they left. Kaitlin and Paige picked up their cartons and we, too made our way back home and spent the rest of the evening just like any other weekend night with just us girls. Tucked away in our apartment wearing who knows what and talking about whoever we felt like and worrying and wondering about what would be happening 6 months down the road...

I ended up marrying that boy from the ice cream aisle. Somehow we ended up at the same party (invited by the same person) 10 days after our encounter at the grocery story and the rest is history. We saw each other every day since then. 

My mission was deferred...and then cancelled...

Family's were met...road trips and weekend trips... 

Grad school was decided upon...moves were made...

A ring was bought...and a date set... 

A summer was spent apart...and a wedding planned... 

A contract was signed...and a U-Haul was rented... 

I think back on that trip to Smith's pretty often. I think about all the big events that led up to that one single trip to the grocery store. I think about all the other places I probably could have been that night if it weren't for all the things that had taken place in the months leading up to mission calls and Paige visiting...

Just within those last 6 months before meeting him:

- I felt prompted to extend my graduation date

- I felt prompted to turn down job offers

- I was broken up with

- I felt prompted to prepare for a mission

- Guys were broken up with

And I realized that…

If I never noticed him around campus, I would have never recognized his face there in Smith’s.

If I never recognized his face, I would not have helped him choose which ice cream to buy.

If I never helped him choose, I wouldn't have peaked his interest at the party

If we never connected at the party, he wouldn’t have gotten my name, or my number… He wouldn’t have ever seen me again… I would have gone on to serve a mission… and yeah, I think both of us would have turned out perfectly fine…but here’s the thing…

And I don't think Nate likes for me to think this, but I think there was some serious Heavenly guidance going on in each of our lives in the years before we finally met. It was too weird that we ended up having tons of mutual friends. It was too weird that we hadn't met after living within a few miles of each other for the 4 years I lived there. It was too strange that it happened when it did - 10 days after receiving one of the most life-altering letters I have ever received. It was too strange how easy the relationship was from the very beginning. It was too weird how connected we felt after only knowing each other for a week. It was too weird how I could honestly say I knew I was going to marry him after only dating for a month. 

Sometimes I wonder if Smith's was my only chance at finding Nate. I feel like Heavenly Father gave me a super small window to work with, but it proves that much more how perfectly God knows each of our lives and how much He is involved, whether we wish to acknowledge it or not.

The months I spent preparing to serve a mission were some of the best months of my life. Spiritually, I felt like I was at an all-time high. I know that if I had not gone through the motions of preparing to serve a mission for 18 months, that there is a large chance that I would not have been exactly where I needed to be that Saturday night. There's a truth to the many quotes that talk about being in the right place at the right time - but there's also a lot of work that goes in to being capable of being in that place exactly when you need to be. It takes being perfectly in tune with the spirit and constant communication with your Father in Heaven. It takes humility and sacrifice - but in return, it brings blessings and happiness beyond what you could ever imagine.  

I know now, that I needed to go through the steps of preparing to serve a mission. I know that it helped me put my life in order and become spiritually prepared to make some of the hardest decisions I’m certain I’ll ever have to make. The best part about it, is that those decisions ended up being so much easier to make with the Lord on my side.