Miracle

I met the man who saved my life today.


When my mom was four months pregnant with me, the doctors found out I had something called a diaphragmatic hernia. At the time, the survival rate for babies with this condition was only 50%. Even after that, most of the babies that make it, rarely leave the hospital completely healthy and without any sort of contraptions or monitors permanently connected to their little bodies.

There weren't many doctors, let alone surgeons, specialized enough to handle the intense and immediate surgery required for this rare condition. With my dad still finishing his degree at BYU, the percentage of having one of those specialized pediatric surgeons around the Utah Valley area was extremely low. Most go to big cities to practice where there is a greater demand for their talent and expertise.

It wasn't just coincidence that one of the most highly rated pediatric surgeons (for this condition specifically) happened to work at the hospital right down the street from where my parents were living at the time.
His name is Dr. Dennis Vitale. He is now 77 years old. He saved my life.


I've heard my mom tell this story about a million times - each time I'd find myself formulating these silent questions about 'why' and 'how' and 'what if'...Why did this one man just happen to live in Provo, Utah? Why did he specialize in this surgery? How did he do it? What made him the man for the job? What if I didn't have him as my doctor? How did my mom handle it? Why did she choose to not just get the abortion when she found out I had this problem? What if she DID choose to get the abortion? How did I turn out so normal and healthy? 
There have been many times where I've thought about why I even survived. Why I got the chance to come here to this beautiful earth and live a happy life, while so many others hadn't been lucky enough to make it through alive and as healthy as I did.
When I learn about the Plan of Happiness I just think big picture; like 'where did I come from', 'why am I here', 'where am I going' kind of thinking, often forgetting the fact that I hardly made it to step two - getting here to earth.

I think too often I take my life for granted. It's crazy to think that each of us has our own individual plan for our time here in this magnificent world. Do you remember those books you would read in elementary school - the ones that you could control the outcome for? Like you would choose between Sally setting her alarm the night before or not, and then you would either skip to page 15 or page 28 to see the outcome of either of the two decisions? I love looking back in my life and seeing what choices I made to get to where I am today. And then sometimes I look back and wonder how my life would be different if I had decided on something else.
But you wanna know what I love even more than looking back on my own life? I like finding out about other people and how their story panned out to play into mine. This morning was a complete eye opener. My list of questions about who this 'savior' was of mine - his history, his story...he told it all. I couldn't help but think that the interests he had in his younger years of school, the path he chose to specialize in, the places he went to do his residency and shadowing, the jobs he took, the experiences he had and learned from...I felt like every single one of them played into my entire existence. How amazing is it to think that our loving Heavenly Father guided this special man all those many years before in order to be in the right place at the right time to deliver me into this world? To have the knowledge and experience he did by that time in order to free me from my life threatening condition and send me out into the world free of breathing machines or little lungs; free to live life just like any other normal kid. I will be forever grateful to him. And eternally thankful to my Father in Heaven for the guidance he has given him and every other person involved in my life to get me to where I am today.

Talking to Dr. Vitale today made me that much more grateful for my faithful mother. I don't have kids just yet, but I can only imagine the pain and agony she went through dealing with the thought that her little girl may not ever be able to take her first breath. God was good to us. My mother never doubted that everything would turn out ok. To her I owe my heart - her love for me goes beyond words and I will always be grateful for her undying faith in our gracious Heavenly Father's hand in her life.

These two great people, both playing such a huge, but different role in my life, have taught me two very important lessons. First, to follow the spirit and make sure to be at the right place at the right time - because you never know who's life you'll touch at that moment. Second, to have faith beyond all doubt. Even when all my mom was hearing was negative, she had the faith to make it through.
Zoe is greek for 'life'. My mom gave me that name five months before I was even born.

w i s h l i s t

I want to have fresh flowers in my home at all times. I want to be a patient parent and a selfless spouse. I want to learn how to serve without thinking about the reward. I want to write often, read when I'm bored, and paint when I'm sad. I want to inspire the people I work with to live a happier life. I want to live in the city and end up in the country. I want to learn how to survive on nothing. I want to be made fun of for smiling - all the time. I want to leave my nail polish on till it falls off. I want year-round tan lines. I want to be in love with my best friend. I want to be fearless. I want to swim off the coasts of Italy. I want to learn to sail and get lost at sea. I want my home to be full of laughter and always have big breakfasts on Saturday mornings. I want to learn how to speak a different language. I want to take a hot air balloon ride in the middle of spring. I want to make a big discovery. I want to see my best friends grow old and watch our children fall in love. I want to grow my own tomatoes. I want an eternal family. I want a tall tree in my yard with a big wooden swing. I want to only wear dresses for a month straight. I want to write a children's book with my kids. I want to star gaze every night. I want to make sure my family matches every single Easter Sunday. I want to catch fireflies in mason jars and make fresh-squeezed lemonade in the summertime. I want to master the art of listening to my mind and my heart. I want to get butterflies every time I think about  him. I want to make my own gift wrap and birthday cards. I want an old-fashioned mail box. I want to expect nothing and be excited at everything. I want to thank God every morning and every night for the wonderful life I live.

Fear

I have a fear of disappointing people. I struggle with showing my true self to those around me because more often than not, humans tend to set an unreal expectation for those around them, and due to that, project unfair judgements on them before really giving them a chance. It's just the way we work - and while you can find book after quote after tweet about not judging others...I think maybe they've just become silent faults we all keep within ourselves so that we're not perceived as hypocrites. 

It's easy to cover up and blend in with the rest of society- with the way we dress, the way we talk, what we listen to, or what we eat. And I think it's kind of silly, but all so interesting at the same time- the way we're all so very, very different, yet we're all so capable of becoming just like anyone else around us due to the way society has placed importance on popular culture as opposed to developing more individualized characteristics. It's such a personal battle that we all have to go through - how much do we want to fit in with everyone, yet how much do we want to stand out as well? Is there a happy medium, or are there always going to be skeptics and people to disappoint with our level of conformity? Probably. 

Here's what I think - I think there are some things, people, and ideals that are ok to follow, blend in with, and apply in order to satisfy our humanistic needs and desires: to be accepted, praised, respected, secure, fed...the list goes on, but you get what I'm saying. There are also self-actualization needs that need to be met so that we aren't just constantly heeding to what society tells us is acceptable. Flaunt your quirkiness. That's what makes you stand out from all the rest. Your limbs may be a little longer or a little more bent and bruised than others around you, but those little quarks are what add to your beauty and keep you different from anyone else. Sure, to get along we all may wrap a little white plastic around our middle sections - but only for mere enjoyment purposes. Just as if you were looking for a new friend, it's things like the kind of music you listen to, or the clothes you wear that draw you towards like-minded people (for the most part). I feel like just as long as we don't allow that to be all-consuming, we'll be aaaay-ok ;) And hopefully keep us around a positive support system that will always raise us back up after we run into a little pitfall. (Thank you, Ashley) 

Don't let the fear of disappointing people get in the way of your confidence. Strangers can think whatever they want... just be grateful for the people that take the time to grow close to you.  

see more trees here 

Soulfish

Do you believe in soulmates? I've been trying to decide whether or not I do. I don't think I do. I think perhaps there might just maybe be one single person in this world that we're going to be the very happiest with - but I also believe that there a few different people that could make us really really happy for the long haul, too. 

See those fish up there? That's us. Remember what your best friend told you last week when you broke up with your last fling? "There are plenty of other fish in the sea". Well they were right. There are plenty of fish in that sea of a world. Millions of them. But here's what I think - I think there are only a few golden prospects that can make it work. And even then, I think there is one mighty fish that could potentially be the best of them all. Wouldn't you agree? So as smart as your friend may be in their knowledge of these gilly creatures...they also failed to warn you of the struggle you're going to have in finding one that won't nip at you or slap you around a little too much. (not literally, of course...) 

All I know is this sea here in Provo, Utah is getting pretty dull. I'm anxiously awaiting those fishies that chose to migrate for a couple years to come back and swim with us again. That's all.

Run

Sunday is probably one of my favorite days during the week. Maybe it's because it's usually the one day that I get to sleep in, but it's also the one day I get to spend at LEAST three hours just pondering. Sometimes I wish I had more time to think. (Here is why) My life is so consumed with other responsibilities and obligations that when the time finally comes for me to breath - I don't want to do anything except sit there. By the time Sunday usually rolls around, my breathing time is complete and I have time to process my week.

Life is lived day by day. Second by Second. You can't count on something that used to be - you have to live for what is to come.

I think sometimes I psych myself out when it comes to the future. I tell myself I'm not prepared, or too young, or inexperienced, blah blah blah. I could come up with a million excuses - but the point is, that's not the point. I am my only obstacle at this point. Sure, stumbling blocks are put in our way, but at the end of the day, I've found that it's purely a mental game that we're playing here.

I got a letter from a friend the other day. He's spent the last 21 months in Los Angeles serving a mission for my church. Here's what he shared with me about this race we're participating in called life:

 "He won't make you run faster than you are able, but He will make you run."

So as much as I want to slow down time or quietly push the pause button on my life, I just can't. I learned that in church today. You just have to keep going. Because life is about progression and learning and change. So I guess I better start jogging, eh? 

Treasure

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Sometimes I feel really bad for the first man - he didn't even realize it, but he totally missed out on the greatest thing... but then again, the second man could have possibly found the best thing in the whole wide world, and how lucky is he? He shouts praises to the men before, for trashing this treasure so that he could in the end, hold on to it for dear life.

It's funny how life works sometimes. Things come and go; begin and end; but that's what I love about life, we live and we learn, and in the end, the change that comes about over time, is only for good in the long run. It's how we get to where we've been dreaming of going forever.

Bruce Barton once said, "Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress."


And that's all we really want, right?

The Lord Is My Light

      
   Words will never be able to adequately express the love and gratitude that I have for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that may be a cliché statement to make – but it’s one I mean with all my heart.

In Matthew 27 verse 22, it reads, "What shall I do then with this Jesus which is called Christ?" - I'm not entirely sure why, but the one thing that continued to come to my mind is the hymn, “The Lord Is My Light”. To echo the words in that song, I say with strong conviction, “the Lord IS my light – then why should I fear? By day and by night, His presence is near. He is my salvation from sorrow and sin. This blessed assurance the spirit doth bring. The Lord is my light; He is my joy, and my song. By day and by night, He leads me along. The Lord is my strength. I know in His might I’ll conquer at length. My weakness in mercy He covers with power. And walking by faith, I am blest every hour. The Lord is my light, my all and in all. There is in His sight, no darkness at all. He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King. With Saints and with angels His praises I’ll sing.”

        Christ is my everything. Without Him, I am nothing. Without Him, I would not be the person I am today – I would not have direction or drive – I would not have hope or faith in things I don’t know of that are in my future – I would not be able to love as I love or serve as I serve. I would not act as I act, say what I say, if it were not for that perfect man that once walked on this earth so many years ago – to pay the price for us to once again all live in heaven as one big eternal family – reunited as we once were before this world was.

        I can say I have spiritually felt the prints in His hands and the mark on his side – for I have truly beheld the miraculous power of the Atonement in my life. I have felt its power – and because of that, I am that much more in debt to my Savior and the sacrifices He made for me and my many, many faults. It reminds me of something I read in “Believing Christ” by Stephen Robinson. In speaking about the gift of the Atonement, he says, “But how can I possibly deserve such a gift? – Don’t be silly. You can’t. You don’t. This gift is offered because I love you and want to help you, not because I owe it to you. – But how can I ever repay you? – There you go again. Don’t you get it yet? You can’t repay me, not you or all the billions like you. Gifts of this magnitude can never be repaid. For what I’ve done out of love for you, you can only love me back, and seek to become what I am – a giver of good gifts. And that is good news.”

        I just love that – as guilty as it makes me feel for doing any sort of wrong – it makes me so incredibly thankful for my Savior; for the fact that through anything I do, no matter what it is, He will always be there ready to take me back; so ready to forgive and forget; so comforting through any pain – for anyone, at any time. It’s incredible the real love He has for each and every one of us.

       I've loved really reading and dissecting the life of Christ this semester in my New Testament class. It has helped my testimony grow tremendously, because I’ve been able to learn of Him as man, not necessarily just a God. He seems so much more real when I can compare His mortal life to mine. I loved the lesson my teacher, Brother Wilson, taught about when He first entered into the world – how the song “Away In a Manger” isn’t true in the fact that Christ didn’t come into the world as a God. He was a baby who cried and was loud and hard to handle growing up – he was a human just like you and I are. He wasn't born perfect - he became perfect; just as we are commanded to become.

        I love my Savior more than anything else in this world. His hand continues to guide my life. I put full faith in Him and know that He has my best interest in mind through everything I go through. I’ve learned that through challenges, I only become stronger. I know that we will all be saved by His wondrous mercy and love. I know that He has put living Prophets on this earth to be His spokesperson – to help us and aide us in our journey back to Him. I know that it is through Christ, our Lord, that we will return to live with our Heavenly Father once again – and I will be doing everything possible to make that happen for the rest of my mortal life.

  

Timing

The new year has finally arrived and I have a feeling it's gonna be a crazy one. One full of surprises. 


Lately, I've had a problem trying to plan out my future...trying to count on certain things to work our certain ways to ensure this and that...blahblahblah. Basically I was lacking confidence in my future, and so when it finally all crumbled down, it hit me pretty hard - and so that naturally turned me to the one person we can all always count on...the Lord.


Today in our testimony meeting at church, I swear every person was speaking directly to me - their words were exactly what I needed to hear; mostly the ones focusing on God's love for us. For you. For me. That through it all - He understands what we're going through. When it feels like we don't have anyone else to turn to - at what seems like our lowest of lows, He is always there. Always. 


I don't know why I haven't learned my lesson yet, but I think now, more than times before, I will have to learnt o accept the Lord's plan for me. I have NO IDEA what it is - but that's what's exciting about it all. I have to train myself to let Him work in my life. I have to stop trying to push in MY timetable, when the Lord's timetable rules over that nine times out of ten. 


I found this incredible talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, talking about Timing. I highly suggest taking a few minutes to read it, especially at the start of this new year. Here's one of my favorite quotes from it:
"Do not rely on planning every event of your life—even every important event. Stand ready to accept the Lord's planning and the agency of others in matters that inevitably affect you. Plan, of course, but fix your planning on personal commitments that will carry you through no matter what happens. Anchor your life to eternal principles, and act upon those principles whatever the circumstances and whatever the actions of others. Then you can await the Lord's timing and be sure of the outcome in eternity." 


I'm open for what He has planned for me - do to the fact all MY plans just got completely crushed, I have faith that HIS are going to be ten times better for me this year. Bring it on :)